You know you've been in Russia too long when..

This list is inspired by a facebook group with the same name. It's absolutely hilarious and very true. The following list are my own comments on how Russia, particularly Vladivostok has effected me.
You know you've been in Russia too long when..

1. ..outside it's -5 and you actually think it's a nice day.
2. ..you forget to put on deodorant and then think, you cares no one else wears it.
3. ..you get cut off 10 times in traffic on the way to work, and not even bat an eyelid.
4. ..you have tea and cake after every meal.
5. ..attempting to cross the street you look both ways, then sprint like Carl Lewis.
6. .. you actually start to like Dima Bilan.
7. ..you actually see an ugly girl.
8. ..you are extremely upset if Luch Energy (Vlad's soccer team) don't make next years premier league cut.
9. ..you think twice about whistling in doors.
10. ..you pull the car over because a black cat just crossed your path, and wait for another car to pass, to claim that bad luck.
11. ..you don't throw the rubbish out, once it's dark.
12. ..it's -20 outside and your standing in the park with a bottle of Baltica beer.
13. ..you actually give holodets a 2nd, 3rd go!
14. ..you actually take reading material with you when you go for a drive, because of the traffic.
15. ..1 meter deep potholes every 50 meters are just another obstacle to dodge, along with pedestrians, cars driving the wrong way and flying plastic bags.
16. ..plastic bags strangled in the tops of trees, actually take on quite a homely feeling.
17. ..you carry a plastic bag with you at all times, but your not sure why.
18. ..the water is turned off and it's not a big deal
19. ..you are shocked when a sales attendant smiles at you.
20. ..you've just finished your 6th shot of Vodka and feel nothing.
This list is only the beginning, another 20 are on the way.

Defenders of the Fatherland Day!

Some of these Russian public holidays are named with such profound conviction. Defenders of the Fatherland Day, formally known as Red Army Day, celebrates the Russian military and therefore all Russian men, (it's the duty of all men to defend the Fatherland). The holiday around Vlad was much like any other long weekend, only with a military twist. Restaurants and clubs were decorated out in military attire and many a toast was dedicated to men in general. Defenders Day is usually celebrated the parades and processions in honor of the veterans. Russian women also give small gifts to the men in their lives, I scored a new belt and an Emporio Armani jumper! This holiday also, acts as a counter part to the 8th of March (International Women's Day), where I'll have to return Nastya the favor and find her something special.

The whole thing is very Russian. Russian machismo is on "red" alert at the best of times, however this holiday not only commemorates, but promotes the wonderful thing that is Russian chivalry. Russian manliness is trapped in somewhat of a time warp were men are men and valor, ruggedness and the ability to arm wrestle at the drop of a hat is imperative. Proving your virility is a constant test, even the gyms have arm wrestling stations and areas for a Sunday arvo Box! Forget about the head gear and mouth guard, just slip on the paper thin gloves and punch the stress out of each other.

Super Babushka!

Well spring is in the air, even though the daytime temperature is still struggling to climb above -5. Strange, I never would have thought -5 could feel warm, but that's exactly how it is here. People are starting to disrobe ever so subtly. One less layer, down grading from the impossibly thick wolf hair socks to the thinner Jack Russell variety, and funnily enough many locals are brave enough to venture outside minus the normally obligatory headwear.
Babushkas (Russian Grannies) all over Russia are up in arms!
The Babushka is not one to mess with. This innocuous looking woman, innocently wrapped in her 500 layers, will stop at nothing to ensure the average Russian citizen is appropriately dressed. That means, don't ditch that beanie until the sweat from your brow starts to sting your eyes!
The other day for example, I was cruising down the street in my merry way, minus any headwear, when I was accosted. From out of nowhere, darted a half-crazed Babushka, arms flailing and inaudibly screeching in my direction. Had I been mistaken for the local thief or was this Babushka just off her rocker!! Ha Ha! Luckily the woman calmed down enough for me to understand what see was unhappy about. I had committed a 1st degree felony in the Babushka book of Russian law: always make sure your head is warm!
Babushkas don't just stop at the head warming offence, sitting on concrete is a big no no, as it can render you infertile (guys and girls). This felony can turn ugly, as I've seen many a Babushka, enhanced by some metaphysical power, lift people twice their size of cold concrete and save them form the dangers of infertility. Who needs Superman and Spiderman when there is an awaiting Babushka around every corner?
People often ask me if it would be hard to raise my child in Russia. Well with millions of Babushkas looking out for their welfare, I think you already know my answer.

Valentine's Day!!! Stud Alert!!! HA HA HA!

Valentine's Day was a buzz around the EF village today. Love was most certainly in the air with students and teachers exchanging gifts and cards. Never have I received so many Valentine cards, 14 in total! I actually topped the teacher popularity contest. Yes yes, quite the ladies man, hang on, correction, quite the adolescent girl man. Most of the cards were from the little girls who point, stare and giggle at the strange foreigner from that weird country where kangaroos out populate people. Anyway at least I've got fans, yeah so did “New Kids on the Block”, “Bros”, “Take That” and Russia's own “Dima Bilan”. Actually “Dima Bilan” still reins supreme when it comes to teen hysteria. Valentine's Day celebrations continue tomorrow night with the school’s party at "Downtown" nightclub. Now, the last time EF held one of these social events I met my unceremonious demise at the hands of a little drink called absinth. Well, no way is that going to happen again even if Jeff my 100kg plus American fellow native teacher throws down the challenge. Anyway, if it comes to a who’s tougher that who contest, I've always got my teenage fan club to back me up. Yeah so “Take That!!!”

Happy Birthday Timo

Yes the 7th of Feb, my brother's Birthday. For those of you who didn't know, Timo lives and studies (medicine) in Perth.
Here he is busting a few moves with Kate. Lookout Ricky Martin, there's a new kid in town!

Cash

I’ve just arrived home after an individual speaking lesson with Lena, (Russian girl studying to pass the IELTS test). The lesson involved going to a cafe and practicing conversational English. Always very interesting for me, as the topics we discuss often are to do with cross-cultural differences.
Today interestingly, we discussed the role cash has in Russia. Here cash is undoubtedly king. Banks are not trusted, ATMs are scarce, credit cards are an oddity and nearly all wages are paid in cash. Yes that’s right I receive my whole monthly wage, in cash, in one hit. It makes for an interesting trip home, wad of cash bulging from my pocket, while at the same time paranoid that someone will notice that yes “that’s not a gun in my pocket and no I’m not just happy to see you”.
I explained to her that the use cash back home is the opposite and is becoming quite rare. It is not uncommon to see people (stupidly) attempt to buy a Coke through EFTPOS. "They don't even carry $2 on them" I said. I continued on explaining that all big transactions, e.g. buying a car, house etc, were done through the banks, where cash is stored but rarely seen.
Russia is a completely different story. People buying a $70 000 car or a $200 000 flat will pay in cash! That’s right people will rock up to the negotiating table with a suit case full of money and just plonk it down. Just like the "Godfather" movies, however these people aren't gangsters they’re average Joes. It's the normal way to pay for something. Where the hell do you keep that sort of money if not for the bank? Well as I’ve now been informed, you keep it at home. Hmmm, yes that would explain the popularity of the very becoming steel fortress like doors that are so ubiquitous. Oh yes, come to think of it hat would also explain the 3 hidden pin hole camera, double steel door entrance at Nastya’s parents.

Property

I just love this shot Kate took while she was over. It is a typical Russian style house here in Vlad and is worth an absolute fortune. Not the house itself but the land. Vlad's property is booming and with the 2012 APEC summit on its way and the lack of building projects around town, slowing down isn't an option. Property prices here are ridiculous. I've seen two bedroom apartments (slums), far from livable for around $300 000. Remember that the average wage over here is around $5oo-600 US a month and interest rates are as high as 14%, making property virtually impossible to get into. These guys have got it really tough in the trying to get ahead stakes. Returns are absolutely phenomenal. Russian's will spend more than half their wage on rent and nearly the rest on food (which is only marginally cheaper than back home). I really don't know how some of them survive. I know there is a lot of under the table deals between employer and employee; nevertheless it still makes for tough living.

Home

A strange thing happens after a while living in a foreign country, it starts to become home. Sure, everyday is still unique and full of new adventures, however after a while familiarity sets-in. Living abroad gives you balance, allows your mind be become more objective. It opens up new possibilities and redefines your "home".
How many times have you heard from someone, who has just arrived back to Oz, after a month away and say, “it really lets you appreciate how good we've got it back home." I tend to disagree with these sort comments and before you start thinking "what a sell out", please hear me out. This type of person as not given the place they are returning from a fair go. One, two months of cruising around a new country does not, I believe, give one the ascendancy to comment. Give it a real go! Find a job, pay the bills, rent an apartment, buy a car, set yourself up exactly the way you would at "home" and then start your reflections. Only then does a beautiful thing start to occur. You find new friends, new local hangouts, familiar restaurants, new activities; you start to get to know the locals and feel a certrain affinity towards them. "Home" takes on a new definition. You start to consider the possibility that this new place could be my second home.

Enjoying the Kalyan at one of my local haunts.